I said, “you are a very good friend to me, I know, but I’m interested in Mia for a different reason. Do you understand?”
He wasn’t happy with what I just said, he nodded without any reaction.
I didn’t understand why he was constantly interfering in my personal life even though he has been my genuine friend for the last 7 plus years.
I needed some personal space, some privacy, and some lonely time to plan my future life.
I wanted to go to dinner with Mia but he wanted to join us. How could I say don’t join the dinner with us? He’d been one of my best friends through all my undergraduate and graduate school.
When he said that he wanted to join us for dinner with the two of us, me and the girl of my choice,Mia, I felt that he’s no common sense. I told myself, “why don’t you understand?” For the first time in my life, something different was going to happen. I was going for dinner with a girl of my dream, Mia, I needed to go alone with her for some breakthrough talks.
Make things a little bit easier in life so that your body and mind communicates, human life takes time to mature and reshape
I couldn’t understand my friend’s behaviour, I was quite confused.
“What’s wrong with you?” I thought to myself in my room.
For a long time he’d said that he would help me in various junctures of my life because we’d fought many causes together.
Later, I felt that he was quite unusual, I couldn’t clearly understand his motive. I was only observing whether he was doing this knowingly or unknowingly. I needed some private time with Mia to settle my life but his action was creating trouble for my plan.
Why did he always want to associate with me everytime?
Was he crossing the fine line of real friendship?
I never clearly understood.
I remembered, two years ago, he told me, “I’m 28 years old now, I feel very awkward, and insecure. I don’t know why I’m not happy with my existence.”
“There is something wrong inside me, I never told you about this awkwardness, insecurity, and suffering. I’ve been having this insecurity for the last several years, I’m being weaker and weaker every single day.” he added.
Being one of his close friends, I told him, “you’re strong, you’ve an Ivy league MBA, you’ve just started a corporate job, your life has just started, but your problem is you take everything very seriously.”
“You think a lot, you do unnecessary thinking. Designed thinking is good but excessive unnecessary thinking all the time isn’t good for our health and mind, that’s your problem, you’ve to fix it.”
“You have to make things a little bit easier in life so that our body and mind communicates, human life takes its shape the same way as every other living thing does, life matures itself with time, everything takes time to reshape.” I showed positive vibes.
Suicide is an attempt to escape from your own suffering by giving incurable long-lasting suffering to your family
One of my favorite mentors and author of ‘The 4-Hour Workweek‘ Tim Ferriss said, “Too often, we spend time focusing on the trivial with people who contribute nothing but their own self-interest.”
My friend said, “Sometimes I feel more rebellious with my family and society, I’ve this scary feeling all the time, I don’t know why?”
When I heard the news that he is in hospital, I couldn’t move, what happened, and later I came to know that he attempted to commit suicide.
“That’s beyond my imagination, what’s going on in his life” I murmured.
I couldn’t believe this. I helped him in so many ways to see things in life and he helped me in the same way.
We used to share a lot of things, both good and bad. But why this time I’m in the corner and he made such a horrible decision to abandon everything including his own life.
Fortunately, I knew that he survived, he is recovering well. I’m happy.
I talked to his family members but nobody knew anything on how and why he took such an unthinkable terrifying step.
My mind was bogging me all the time to know why he attempted such a heinous crime.
I decided that I will go deeper and will find it out.
He was in a hospital bed, he was recovering gradually, and the doctor said that he would be fine after two to three weeks, he needs a lot of physical and mental rest.
I went to the hospital and told him, “if you think I’m your good friend then you can’t hide it from me. Please tell me what is inside you that is eating you everyday all the time.”
Please tell me.
I saw tears in his eyes.
He said in one sentence, “I’m gay, but I want to live.”
Silence.
No words.
I filled the gap of silence, “so what?”
“I have gay friends, I occasionally chat with them in social media. They are very genuine and responsible, they are living happy lives, they’ve contributed a lot for society.” I said.
“Is this the only reason that led you to take in such a heinous crime to kill yourself?” I asked.
“I say this, my friend, you attempted to escape from your own suffering but you’re about to give incurable long-lasting suffering to your family, you didn’t do justice here by not sharing with me about your suffering, I knew you were in pain but you chose to fight alone and wanted to have a trophy of suffering,” I further added.
Kevin Kelly: ‘Whenever you can’t decide which path to take pick the one that produces change’
Many years ago, I’d read an amazing novel ‘A Little Life‘ by Hanya Yanagihara, that describes an encouraging look at the social and emotional lives of gay men. I vividly remembered the challenges of gay identity in ‘A Little Life‘.
My friend grabbed a napkin and wiped his tears.
My friend, we all will die one day so we need to plan our death, then only we live this life freely.
If we don’t plan our death or if we forget that we will die one day in future then we are not living.
You are gay, you accepted it, but I don’t know what bothered you so much to let the world know about this?
This your gay life isn’t your choice.
God made you gay, so where is your fault here?
You cannot change your genes, you cannot change your hormones, and you cannot change your brain.
You have no power to change the complexity of interconnectedness between your genes and hormonal biology.
Biology is a natural force which is beyond our control, but culture, religion, and other beliefs are human-made myths so they keep changing.
Yuval Noah Harari, author of ‘Sapiens‘ explores the history of humanity and the evolution of Homo sapiens to examine the role of biology and history in shaping our understanding of what it means to be human.
Harari said, “Biology enables, culture forbids.”
My friend, we still have a caste system in hindu community, we still have untouchable humans in this world, we still have a race system in American society.
We still cannot prosecute husbands in more than 50 countries of the world even if they rape their wives because they don’t have such legal mechanism. Husbands still think wives are their properties, things that they own.
These facts are only ‘tip of the iceberg’ of human myths but sexuality is pure biology, it’s not a myth.
Eventually biology always wins, it’s only a matter of time.
I want to remind you Kevin Kelly, author of ‘Excellent Advice for Living,’ he said, “Whenever you can’t decide which path to take pick the one that produces change.” In your case, you can’t change biology but you can help to change human myths.
We shouldn’t make life complicated but it doesn’t mean life has clear traffic signals all the way to our destination
My friend, you and I had the same biology until puberty but after that, god gave you a different path to go and I got a different path.
Though we say all humans are created equal, in reality, we are born with different genes and we gradually evolve unequally based on those different genes, hormones, brain, and external environment. But I am sure we both can live our lives in our own way.
Why don’t you accept who you are and show the world who you can become and what you can offer to the world?
You might be depressed because you are not like others. You want to be like others, you want to be like the majority of us. My friend, this is BS. Your biological identity is your authenticity.
The essence of life is unconditional but you are making it conditional by attempting to commit suicide.
If somebody is killed by some external factor then death has some justification but if we kill ourselves then our death has no meaning, no justification.
Pain and dying are inevitable in our lives but if we kill ourselves by our own weak thoughts then we’ve not understood death.
Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor and author of ‘Meditations‘ said, “A fulfilling life means facing hardships rather than seeking to end one’s existence. Think of yourself as dead. You have lived your life. Now take what’s left and live it properly.”
My friend, you don’t know what you can offer personally to this society yet, but if you become weak to fight against the social myths then you’ve not learnt anything from Tim Cook, who leads one of the most powerful companies, Apple, as a CEO on the planet.
He’s publicly said to CNN’s Christiane Amanpour that he is proud to be a gay and it is a gift of a god.
If you become weak, what do you learn from Anderson Cooper? He says that being gay is one of the blessings of his life.
Every aspiring journalist on the planet wants to be like Anderson Cooper in the field of journalism.
What do you learn from Tammy Baldwin, she is a US senator, one of the highest public offices of the most powerful country on earth.
She happened to be a lesbian.
My friend, this world has given to all of us a special quality in a special form. In this world there are many opportunities, they all need special qualities. If you are stuck in one place and can’t go through then you have to go around to find another place through which you can go. But this is your job to keep looking at various places.
This also applies at our home and if we can’t go through then we might have to take the initiative to modify or change our home.
In fact, our house is our home, remember all houses may not be homes, we stay there for long time, that place isn’t only home for us, it should be a heaven for us.
We are Homo Sapiens, this means we are social animals. All of our social features including happiness and suffering originate from family.
Our biological identity should not be characterized by hostility and mockery.
We must start the conversation about our biological identity with our dad or mom or sister or brother about who we really are, and what we really can offer to this world.
Let’s start the conversation with one person first whom we trust the most and move ahead in life.
Once we start the conversation in our family as who we really are, they start to make space for us, this is how our identity revolution begins.
Remember, Claudette Colvin was 15 years old when she refused to give up her seat to a white woman on a crowded, segregated bus but this incident led Rosa Parks to revolt again and now we all know the history of the 1950s civil rights movement in the USA.
Any movement needs space to wiggle and it also needs time to wiggle but somebody should start somewhere to make a move.
We shouldn’t make life complicated but it doesn’t mean life has clear traffic signals all the way to our destination.
My conversation with my friend suddenly stopped once I saw his dad entering the hospital room.
His dad sat next to him and comforted his son’s forehead with his hand.
His son closed his eyes but I saw tear droplets in his eyes.
I greeted ‘goodbye’ to both dad and son and assured my friend to come tomorrow again in the evening.
Stress is like rotten potatoes in an empty room, it doesn’t matter how much smell flows inside the room, smell will eventually fill the room
My whole life with him from high school to this day was revolving in my mind. I reflected back, I saw so many things correlated now, every single incident is making sense now which I couldn’t understand then.
I felt bad for what I said and did for him in the past, what other friends did and said to him, and what society did for him. Of course, it’s past now, it’s gone, nothing can be done. I learnt, realized and thought to myself why God offers life so mysteriously.
I promised myself that I will do whatever I can, I won’t let my friend die again.
I used to read books randomly when I was undergrad, I wasn’t a systematic and aggressive reader then, but when I started my graduate career, I became very interested in reading books far from my core expertise of chemical science.
I became an aggressive reader. I joined book clubs. I knew that I developed my mental faculties broadly to understand human values and society by reading diverse books written by priceless minds.
After returning from the hospital I was looking at something in one of my old boxes but my eyes caught a book on the shelf by Dr Viktor Frankl “Man’s Search for Meaning”.
I remembered that this book I had received from one of my friends as a birthday gift.
I’d also discussed this book in the book club in the past.
Inside the book, there was a written note from my friend who gave me the book “this would be a nice companion when you are suffering in life.”
I reread a few pages from Viktor Frankl’ book. I read, “The meaning of life always changes, but it never ends. The meaning of life is to be discovered in the world rather than search within oneself.”
I realized that probably my friend searched the meaning of life within himself but never tried to discover outside, as a result, he chose a route to commit suicide.
Viktor Frankl has a vivid explanation of an individual’s experience in ‘Man’s Search for Meaning‘ as a prisoner in a Nazi concentration camp. The most important aspect I like in the book is the view of an author, who is a doctor, for love, hope, responsibility, freedom, and beauty. These all can be found in both nature and art as tools in suffering and depression.
I told my friend that you are gay but this shouldn’t be the reason of your suffering.
There is nothing wrong with it, and it is given to you by another force, nature or God whatever you can say.
When you were a child, your dad made everything for you, he made a roof for you, he provided food on the table, he managed clothes to wear, you received all the love and care but now why do you think that your dad won’t accept you as a gay son?
Ultimately, your gay gene is an extension from your dad. Isn’t it?
Next day I handed him the book “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl and said to him that this book could be a nice friend to you while recovering in the hospital bed.
I asked him a series of questions intentionally as he was recovering in the hospital bed, I thought this might help him to reveal more who he really is.
Why are you afraid to open up your identity?
What is the worst that can happen if you open up your identity?
Why are you depressed now?
Who do you think is the most helpful person in your life now?
What is the meaning of your life?
These might be difficult questions to answer for him but I’m sure he can tackle all of these hurdles one by one.
When we remain depressed we always feel like we are not being treated fairly in this world. We always think that this world has done something wrong with us.
We always assume that we don’t understand things even after taking a long time of study but other people will understand things quickly.
If we start to think this way then what happens to those tens of thousands of others who are gay who have no education, no jobs, but struggling in society every single day?
My friend, this world is neutral, this world isn’t biased, this world doesn’t recognize rich and poor, strong and weak, educated and uneducated, gay and straight.
This is our duty to find out which role we are playing and where we fit. This understanding is critical to lower depression in our life.
If stress is killing us internally, we not only become unhappy ourselves, we make so many people unhappy around us.
Stress is like rotten potatoes in an empty room, it doesn’t matter how much smell flows inside the room, smell will eventually fill the room.
If we are stressed for any reason, it doesn’t stay only with us, it ultimately spreads like a virus all over our family, relatives, and close friends.
Conclusion
We have to understand that suffering and happiness both are byproducts of our life journey. Most of the time, they are basically not the target end products. These both must occur during our lifetime. We cannot keep only happiness and exclude the suffering or vice-versa, this is not going to happen at any time.
I think this way, our body loves good and nutritious food but our body also stores feces until it is excreted.
Mostly, we remain stressed because we have fear in our mind, fear of not becoming like another person, fear of not achieving something big in life, fear of getting cancer which we don’t have yet, fear of the retirement life which we don’t know yet what it looks like, fear of losing all investments which we actually don’t have control, and most importantly, fear of not being accepted by other people.
Fear is chronic and prevents us from living in many many ways at present.
But if we really want to see the other side of the fear, there is nothing, it’s a clean slot but we cannot see it until we jump on fear first.
I learned it in some ways, when I finished my first marathon, 26.2 miles; when I did 48 hours fasting the first time.
Fear is such a devastating and ruptured emotion that we completely forget that we can live by eating rice, beans, lentil soup in this life.
We completely forget that we can live by eating only oatmeal, by drinking only water throughout our lifetime if we want.
We completely forget that we can live by wearing three pants and three shirts for many many years to come.
As an example, Warren Buffett, the multi-billionaire business tycoon, lives in the same house which he purchased in 1958 for $31,500 and is still living today.
We always remain stressed thinking of something negative in our lives but our mind actually does not store any negatives longer if we learn practicing only positives.
Last year, my friend sent me a birthday card via email, he’d written on the card, “God broke my power of love for opposite sex but I always strengthened my power of love for the same sex. I’m happily married, a mom now with two wonderful kids. Thank you so much for everything that you did for me. Happy Birthday to You”
Yam Timsina, PhD, writes primarily on health basics, scientific progress, social upliftment, and value creation.
Disclaimer: “Please note that some links in this post are affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission if you make a purchase through them, at no extra cost to you.”
