Why do we fight with our spouse?

“Are we spending money on my dress or yours?” my wife said.
“on my dress,” I said.
“You’re so selfish, I knew that,” she exclaimed.
“You never cook, you never do dishes and house chores, this is why I’m always in tension and pressure,” she continued.
“Don’t use that tone and bring those things up with me now,” I reacted.
“Don’t even go with my tone, you silly.”
“If you roll your eyes one more time like that, I’m leaving this house,” she bombarded.

This is a small glimpse of my life fifteen years ago on Saturday morning.
After the heated argument, I left the room and entered another room, closed my eyes and started to count my breath in and breathe out for five minutes.
When we close our eyes, we see another world which remains a little more authentic.
The problem was with me.
At that time also, I realized multiple times, but could not implement.
Why couldn’t I listen to her? My mind always asks me even today.
My internal echo answers, If I couldn’t show my wife I was listening, I probably wouldn’t get married in the first place.
My life is a little bit different now but still sometimes heated discussions and arguments with my wife have been a part of life.
Nowadays, I read everyday in the news that America’s divorce rate is skyrocketing.
I know the truth that every couple they fight, every couple has some kind of conflict.
But, for many couples, conflicts are storms that appeared and then dissipated, leaving behind only clean blue sky.
I also did a small research within my closed circle of friends directly and indirectly.
What I found is interesting.
I found that most unhappy couples fight for money, health, and alcohol and drug problems which are, I think, bigger issues for them.
But I also found that many happy couples also fight for reasons like attitude, sex, and miscommunication.
They also fight over matters like where to go for vacation this year and in which sport activity their son and daughter are supposed to be.
So, the truth is, most of the couples fight, and the reasons for fighting are inherently related to communication problems.

Controlling someone vs controlling emotions

Fifteen years ago I had a different problem, I wanted to control my wife and this happened because I would lose patience.
But now, I know patience doesn’t come naturally, I need to practice it over and over.
I think, trying to control someone, not only the spouse but anybody, means it is an invitation for more battle.
In any conflict, everyone craves for control, this is a natural human tendency.
But trying to control someone is very destructive and toxic.
We humans are born to be free from origin, this is how we have progressed through evolution.
Research data shows that when somebody wants to control us, we want to confront it, our blood pressure can rise, our body can flood with stress hormones and we might start looking for ways to escape or fight back.

Over the years, I have developed more self control and self awareness by controlling my emotions.
I take breaks for deep breathing and I pause and speak slowly if I am about to initiate the verbal argument.
If I focus on controlling myself, my environment, and the conflict itself, then only I initiate real conversation.
And I learned that only real conversation leads to understanding rather than winning the fight.
Controlling our emotions is all about discipline and personal development more than anything else.

Marriage and communication

Marriage lasts longer if we know how to communicate with our spouse, sometimes practically and sometimes philosophically.
Why do you think people get married?
Just curious.
I’m sure you all have multiple answers for this.
Among many answers, one truth for me is we need somebody to witness our lives.
Remember, there are eight billion people on earth, and when we get married, we are promising to care for everything about our spouse, successes and failures, the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of them all day and every day.
This is the promise of marriage.
Your life will not go unnoticed because your spouse will be your witness, he or she will witness and notice all of your life.
For the fast thinking mind, the answer looks philosophical but when you close your eyes, the answer makes sense to you, what we generally call slow thinking mind.

According to my research and reading, one reason marriage crumbles is because we don’t know how to communicate properly.
Communication could be verbal as well as non verbal.
One of my non verbal communications is to try to be non reactive as much as possible, and ask permission from my wife for future time for more discussion and to go for an outdoor walk or run.

My perception on my wife hasn’t changed since joining the running club, but my approach to the house conversation definitely has.
I think conversations, especially deep conversation, is the key, it looks easy from the surface but needs a lot of homework, courage, and time.
I want to sit and talk and have these difficult conversations about our family all day long now.
Beside courage and setting aside time, the only skill we have to nurture is how to be patient with our spouse during conversations.
Just be a little bit more patient, that’s it, it gives rewards not only for us but also for our kids because they will gradually learn about a valuable asset of life.
Patience enhances our listening power, and that opens many more doors later on in life.
Listening to a spouse means letting him or her tell their story and then, even if you don’t agree with him or her, trying to understand why he or she feels that way.
It’s hard to metabolize another person’s perspective in just one or two conversations.
Husband-wife relationships don’t usually resolve quickly because we have known each other for a very long time.
Eventually conflicts resolve if we practice patience and time for deep multiple conversations.

Differences bring more values

As we all know, it’s a complicated world.
We’re eight billion people on the planet with different genomes.
Obviously, we all are different by many many factors and, I think, that difference is our main asset.
If you want to figure out who you are as a husband, then you need a wife who is different from you.
Similarly, if you want to figure out who you are as a wife then you also need a husband who is different from you.
When we embrace how our spouse sees the world and their identities within it, amazing things start to appear in our mind.
When we listen to their specific stories and acknowledge their feelings, we start to understand why two of us, who otherwise agree about so much, might see some aspects of life so differently.
Because we came from different genomes, so obviously we have some dissimilar backgrounds.
We need to explore these things very frankly in a cordial environment.
I begin to appreciate how our world has been shaped by our upbringing, education, race, religion, caste, ethnicity, geography, and other identities.
Talking about our differences is important if we are to begin to move beyond these blights.

One thing I learnt over the years, it is not our differences that divide us but it is our inability to recognize, accept and celebrate those differences that divide us.

I think how we structure everything in life that makes the difference.
We all have different identities, and these identities become more important than husband-wife fighting because our identities are related to overall family prosperity.
The bottom line, I think, is we are all people who want to do the right thing for our families and societies, regardless of other differences, we have that in common.

I don’t know about you but my aim as a husband is not to be a perfect husband, my aim is for curiosity and understanding so that my family flows with our differences.
I am quite aware we can not make the goal of perfection, because if we are looking for perfection, we never become authentic.
My goal is to stay and continue my conversation with my wife so that I can find a space for learning and supporting each other.
Even though I disagree with my wife, I want to show I respect each other’s right to be heard.
We are not here to convince someone to change their mind.

Harvard’s research on relationship and happiness

By education, profession, and training I am a scientist so my mind always looks for evidence, data, and proofs. I am like that, so here is one.
Harvard university has seven decades of research data on relationship, it says “The people who were the most satisfied in their relationship at age 50 were the healthiest, mentally and physically, at age 80”
The most important influence for the most flourishing life is “deep love.”
Learning to love pays the most dividend throughout our lives.
The Harvard data from 2023 summary says, “Good relationships keep us healthier and happier.”
These relationships remain alive by long and intimate discussions and conversations.
These discussions can change our brains, bodies, and how we experience the world.

Beside all of these, still sometimes,
I half-listen to my wife.
I tell my kids not to ask more questions, the background is I’m still a little bit upset with my wife because she said something to me which I don’t like.
I ignore a good idea from my wife because I think I already have a good idea inside me.
I become a little reactive too soon too quickly on her statement.
But nowadays she always says, “I’m getting a lot better but still I have to go a long way.”

Thank you for your time.
Yam Timsina, PhD