I was in high school in grade twelve, so called intermediate second year then.
My other a bit quiet dear friend was also in the same grade.
She used to talk only about classes, teachers, subjects, home assignments, and exams, nothing more than school life.
Occasionally, she used to go for snacks during break but only in a group of friends.
She was my dear friend and I was interested in talking beyond the boundary of school tidbits, I was interested in talking about life, relationships, and future plans.
But it never happened because I was unprepared, I was scared, I didn’t have any maturity on how to express feelings to somebody else.
As far as I remember, I never expressed my feelings to her, I always kept them inside me until I left the school.
Occasionally I shared my feelings with some other friends but not with her.
My dear friend only used to observe my feelings in her eyes, I was not aware when and how to release it out.
I don’t know how I suppressed my feelings then but recently I made a connection with her via Facebook. Thanks to Mark Zuckerberg.
I’m sure there are many people out there who are in the similar situation as my situation.
I hope this content will help them.
In my experience, feelings convert into pain very quickly if it doesn’t get space to sprout.
After more than two decades now, I figured out how human feeling and love towards another person dissipates and infects the person internally.
If we live carrying the unexpressed feelings in life, this would be the road to disaster, this could be one of the root causes of our unhappiness and regret.
One of the reasons for our unhappiness is ‘the culture of more,’ we don’t have time to express our feelings to our loved ones.”
Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse and an author of ‘The Top Five Regrets of the Dying‘ a phenomenal book which is translated into 27 languages talks about unexpressed feeling as a number three regret of dying person. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.”
Few months ago, my younger daughter insisted me to go to play with her in the park.
She told me to leave my cell phone at home. I was a little hesitant but I could understand.
I asked her why to leave phone at home.
She said, “you don’t interact with the park, you don’t express feelings, and you don’t enjoy it if you have your cell phone with you.”
At that moment I told, “sure, I will leave the phone in the car and I will express my feelings with the park.”
I spent 30 minutes with her in the park without my cellphone but I saw her cheering face which I’d rarely seen before.
When I came home, I realized and mostly regretted how I spent the past years with my daughters without expressing my feelings.
The main reason I was happy that day was because I made my daughter happy by tweaking my tiny habit to allow her feelings to express to me.
She expressed quite a number of concerns and feelings during our 30 minutes cell phone free park tour.
Accept it or not, we are living in the world of instant gratification.
Our cell phone has become a tool of instant gratification.
We are caught up in the hustle and bustle of modern life all day.
We need everything instantly, we have e-tickets, we have express check-outs, we have fast food drive-through.
We have microwaves and we need food ready in a few minutes.
We expect results to happen in a few seconds to a few minutes.
We don’t expect waiting, it would be boring.
This pattern of life is making us more unhappy and short-tempered than ever before because we are losing the grip of life slowly, we are losing patience very fast. Where do we get time to express our feelings to our kids, to our parents, and to our spouse.
I’ve also observed another reason for our unhappiness, “the culture of more.”
We are living in “the culture of more.”
We have one nice home, we need a couple of more homes including a vacation home.
We have one bike, it is working perfectly for our purpose, we need at least two more of different styles.
We have one car, working nicely, but we need one more luxurious car with roof top open.
I am not against these luxurious things, I personally love them but I’m against the sense of their control in our lives and regret when we turn older in future. I’ve talked to old people and saying “I wish I could have lived differently.” “I wish I could have expressed my feelings to him or her.”
“Meditation, gratitude, and mindfulness teach us a secret of life: Our past is already gone, our future has not been written yet, what we have is the present, so be happy and enjoy it to the fullest.”
What we forget here is we have only 24 hours in a day, we can’t stretch it, we have just 24 hours, that’s it.
When we have more things to take care of, obviously we need to earn more money to maintain these things; a vacation home, a second bike, and a luxurious car.
We have to sacrifice more time to earn more money, not only that we have to also give extra time to maintain these extra things regularly.
Buying is just a first step, major responsibilities come after buying. We have to renovate the vacation house, we have to change the oil in the second bike and second car regularly.
These extra things are soaking all our personal time, sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly.
Mel Robbins, author of ‘The Let Them Theory‘ says, “When we create a little free space in our mind then only happy hormones roll the ball on us.”
All our emphasis is going more on maintaining the car rather than changing oil in our body.
Oh, today, I can’t go to the gym, I have to change oil in my car.
Oh, today, I can’t make dinner, I’ll eat frozen pizza because I have to finish the wall painting in my beach house.
All of these “more things” are making us stressed out, remember, we’ve only 24 hours in a day.
We don’t eat nutrient food because it is not our priority, we don’t drink enough water because dehydration goes unnoticed.
Our health is crumbling down because all the time we are hustling out for more things.
We easily become tired due to all of the above, we slept less, we spent less time with our kids and spouse.
If you don’t spend more time with your kids and spouse, you remain unhappy. This is a fact.
For those who don’t have kids or spouses, have a pet and spend time with it, a miracle happens in your life.
Keep in mind, more is not always better. If you know how to distinguish ‘the culture of more’ with ‘culture of enough’, you will remain happy throughout your life. So, get time to express your feelings.
Our body stops communicating with our mind when we have no clue what meditation, gratitude, and mindfulness are, and how they balance our life.
We never dedicate any time for these things because all of our time is consumed by noise around us.
Meditation, gratitude, and mindfulness teach us a secret of life, here it is: our past is already gone, our future has not been written yet, the only thing we have is the present, so be happy and enjoy it to the fullest.
“Ayn Rand said, ‘Money is only a tool, it will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver’.”
After a certain time we start to look outside for happiness, outside of our inner life.
By the time we know there is something imbalance in our life, it’s already too late.
Marcus Aurelius, a stoic philosopher and author of ‘Meditations‘, said, “Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself in your way of thinking”.
Remember, outside may bring pleasure but it doesn’t always bring happiness.
Happiness is not pleasure, we can certainly buy pleasure for a certain time but we cannot buy happiness. Expressing our internal feelings on time is a part of our happiness.
Think of the time, in school, asking your teacher why you had to learn national geography if you had no intention of using it in real life. Probably, your teacher might have said that you need to learn them for your brain development or college preparation or harsh case scenario, “because I said so.”
Now you are an independent adult with a fully mature brain.
Your teacher’s answer doesn’t apply to you any more because you can decide.
Therefore, you don’t need to fill your mind with useless information which google can give you in a second.
Always believe what you see and what you do, not what others tell you to do.
We don’t need other people’s approval all the time in our life.
Information is already overloaded due to finger tip’s digital access.
What kind of value are we producing by remembering the names of all the rivers of our country in 21st century’s education unless we are participating in a national quiz competition?
Now you are an adult, if anything that doesn’t attract you or relevant to you by any means, don’t consume it.
Only consume what is needed and important to your life.
Swami Vivekananda, an Indian Hindu monk, and author of ‘Powers of the Mind‘ said “We have to create an extra space in our brain by taking only things or experiences that are needed to our life.”
Don’t let all the cheap stuffs walk all over your mind.
Happiness always comes from things that matter to us, not from cheap stuffs.
Happiness is a state of mind, to be happy we have to train our mind.
The interpretation of happiness is highly subjective and it is not a numerical science.
Some people read gossip magazine to become happy, some people read biology to become happy, and some people read companies’ legal and financial reports to become happy.
My niece sings songs to become happy and my cousin goes fishing to become happy.
You get the picture, why there is so much variation in happiness because it is internal, it has nothing to do with other people’s choices.
Buddhist philosophy also says, “There is no any sophisticated instrument to quantify the level of our happiness, happiness is the way.”
If I get my Tesla then I would be happy is basically a distant illusion.
If you are not happy now before getting Tesla, you will not be happy after getting the Tesla either.
You must be happy first to get Tesla, otherwise you will stretch your expectations all the time that never end. If it never ends then you never become happy.
Many people think that a lot of money makes them happy.
But in reality people who don’t have money think this way.
I am sure you have seen many people with a lot of money but still unhappy, they are unhappy because they still want only more money, I have certainly seen many of these people and worked with some of them.
Here is the research fact.
Money itself doesn’t make us happy, it is just a paper with pictures on it, but it gives us freedom and security.
We can utilize money to get freedom for our interests that make us happy.
If we have nothing to do during our free time, then we again become bored and unhappy.
Ayn Rand, philosopher and author of ‘Atlas Shrugged‘ said, “Money is only a tool, it will take you wherever you wish, but it will not replace you as the driver.”
“Luxury is not happiness for everybody, it is only pleasure for poor and middle class.“
From my own family experience, I knew that happiness also comes from gradual growth, it comes from trying new things, it comes from taking educated and calculated risks in life.
Learn to take big risks but also learn to survive big failures. And most importantly, learn how to win big in life so that we will be able to give back to society even bigger.
Many psychological research organizations like Action for Happiness support this idea that when we give to society, we become the happiest person because we not only make our family happy but also our society happy.
I always experiment my happiness status when I make my kids or my spouse happy, what comes in my mind? Just go a little bit further to make my neighbor or my community happy, I feel a rush of flow of dopamine and serotonin in my body.
Let’s come back to my initial question. Why didn’t I propose to my classmate in grade twelve?
Because I didn’t have courage to ask, I didn’t have a risk taking attitude.
Now I imagine, worst of all, what could have happened if I had proposed to her, either she would say yes or no.
Either answer would produce no harm to both of us, but by not taking the risk of asking I got only regret. This was my life learning lesson rather than bookish knowledge.
I always compare this kind of experience with movie industry and stock market, which movie is going to be a blockbuster and which stock is going to be a 100 X multiplier, nobody knows.
Nobody knows what’s going to work until we take action. We can just have an educated guess. No question, we can be lucky by an educated guess.
But people who dedicate themselves to making movies or people who invest in the stock market keep doing the same thing over and over. They just don’t expect only the best result, they enjoy taking educated and calculated risks, and when they win, they win big.
I learned that regret of not taking risk in my past life was permanent but risk itself was very temporary. Molly Graham’s TedTalk ‘Winners Take Risks‘ is worth watching if you want to be a risk taker.
Our society always doubt whatever we say because these are just words but the same society always believes what we do because these are pure actions. I’v experienced that happy people love actions not words even though actions are risky.
We all have innate observational and investigative intuition for any kind of actions, the only thing is we have to explore it by actions.
Flow scientist, Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi, author of ‘Flow‘said, “Once we start exploring, we become more interested to explore more, we start to make flow of our exploration.”
This flow institutes a real happiness inside us.
Many movie and sport celebrities are brand-conscious and we have a culture of following them on social media.
I’m not against following the ideal person but I’m against following blindly for the brand they advertise.
They all wear Louis Vuitton items and we try to imitate their persona.
They wear Louis Vuitton because they get paid from Louis Vuitton to attract the poor and middle class.
This comparison doesn’t make us happy because we are not celebrities, their financial status and our financial status are different.
I have seen former first lady Michelle Obama wearing a pair of J. Crew sage green leather gloves to hold the bible for her husband before a worldwide audience of 140 million plus on TV to be sworn in as America’s first ever African American president.
She could wear Louis Vuitton but she didn’t, she wore items from an ordinary retail store.
She did this because she is real, she is not a pretender.
I have seen Barack Obama also wearing J. Crew bow ties many times.
The Obama family declined brands, they showed their love for mass consumer retailers.
Only Louis Vuitton and Gucci don’t show our personality, they are just symbols of luxury.
Remember, luxury is not happiness for everybody, it is only pleasure for poor and middle class.
Brent Brown, the author of ‘Strong Ground‘ says “To become happy, we must see inward, be authentic based on our priorities, thoughts, income, and personal values, not by comparing ourselves with others.”
Conclusion
At one point in life we all experience this, we don’t possess happiness, we create it according to our own standards.
It is absolutely our internal calibration machine based on our personal expectations, income, and reality of current lifestyle.
If you are unhappy now, immerse yourself in some passion that helps you wake up at 5 am.
We, humans, came to earth almost 2 million years ago before the modern humans, Homo sapiens, appeared. At that time, there was earth, dirt, soil, rocks, and some plants on the continent.
Many animals appeared and disappeared but why did we humans always evolve?
Because we have a passion for progress and prosperity, but animals didn’t.
We have an amazing, complicated, and cognitive brain in our head which other animals didn’t have.
The biochemistry about our brain is still mysterious, we barely know how it works, but when we associate our passion with it, it works fabulously. Don’t ask me how. This is one reason that Elon Musk’s neurotechnology company ‘Neuralink‘ is developing brain-computer interface which may read and interpret brain signals to allow us to control our thoughts.
Passion ignites us, passion gives us a reason to evolve.
Once we have passion to live, we start to marry to ourself first before we marry anybody else.
Now you find a reason to live, you always remain happy and evolving.
We have to connect and engage our passion with our family, friends, and colleagues.
Simon Sinek, the author of ‘Start with Why‘ says “Start small, but start now, once you start, you will know exactly what to do, how to do, and when to do.”
This passion would be your happiness project.
We have seen many happy people buying time with their passion but unhappy people waste time complaining about everything.
The mother of John Lennon, the evergreen artist of the Beatles, once asked her son, “what do you want to be when you grow up?”
John Lennon replied, “I want to be happy.”
Remember, if you love somebody, just propose today, take the risk and ask, don’t wait for the day that never comes in reality, the so-called tomorrow.
Accept the result and move on, you won’t regret, you feel proud that you asked, you will remain happy irrespective of the answer from the other side.
Good luck everyone, always be happy.
Yam Timsina, PhD, writes primarily on health basics, scientific progress, social upliftment, and value creation.
Disclaimer: “Please note that some links in this post are affiliate links, which means I may receive a small commission if you make a purchase through them, at no extra cost to you.”
